35 weeks

"There's a raging sea right in front of me. Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to. I will follow You. I will follow You." -Mikeschair

I know the storm is just on the horizon. The winds have started whistling and the dark clouds creeping closer. There is so much at stake. I have found my shelter with the Lord, been blessed with loved ones ready to perform disaster relief, and now we wait. That's all there is left to do. I can only worry about today and the strength required to get through another 24 hours. Anticipating the wreckage that awaits us is too much for today's worries and fears. There is enough to think about for today alone.

Even with knowledge of the coming disaster, in recent weeks there was mostly a profound sense of peace in my heart. God provided me with the answers needed to get me by each and every day. Every day that passed there was just enough strength to push through one hour at a time. When signs of the hurricane started sweeping in, panic instantly took over. The serene calmness was gone.

One week ago I started having labor symptoms. They were so mild that my doctor and I both agreed it wasn't really anything to worry about yet. I tried to change positions, drink large glasses of water, walk around, take a bath...but nothing seemed to make the contractions go away. They weren't painful, just regular - every 3-5 minutes regular. I went to bed thinking it was probably a false alarm.

Startling pain woke me up 4 hours later. Contractions I had to breathe through, lower abdominal cramping, and a dull lower back ache. I thought, "This is it. She is coming." The contractions continued like that for a while and then they stopped being as painful. Other symptoms continued, but I was able to fall asleep again when the contractions lost their strength. I woke every 30 minutes or so to pain and hardly slept at all. The day continued like this. They weren't stopping and my whole body ached. These events ended up not being true labor. Many of those symptoms are still continuing and the growing pain in my body makes it hard to not think about everything. The way my body hurts is a vivid reminder of reality.

I feel we are back to square one, but now with a sense of frustration. For months, I had been waiting in fear for the moment I would go into labor. Thinking that I was in early labor and with my body certainly not telling me any differently, I was forced to face this fear. There came a peace. We felt as ready as we could. Now it is back to the waiting. The storm clouds went away and the sea looks calm again. Now what?

We have also been contemplating about new choices we have to make. We are trying to be in tune to what is best for Kinsley and ourselves. Kinsley is not currently head down. We pray she wiggles in the right direction, but if not, we are fearful about her delivery. A breech delivery (especially for a first time mom) is tricky and the baby can get stuck, possibly passing away in a less than comfortable death. We can try to have the doctors turn her, but this is not always succesful. It is also extremely painful and risky for mom and baby. Even if she were to get in the right position, a lot of the time they flip right back into their cozy position. We are faced with delivery options as well: whether to schedule a c-section or induction at 39 weeks or wait until labor starts. I have read trisomy babies do not always naturally induce labor. We are praying on all of these choices. Please pray that God will give us guidance and that we can make the right choices for our family.

 

I think this is the eye of the storm.