Feeling blue...

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 

 

The verse above has become my mantra. I repeat it to myself constantly in an attempt to find the strength to get through the day. I haven't written in quite some time, as many of you have pointed out and asked me about. I wish I could find a beautiful, eloquent way to write about why I haven't posted anything. However, I can't seem to artistically put together these words. This post is going to be a very raw, uncensored me, but I think it is important that I include that version of me. It is a very real part of this time.

 

I am one of the most self critical people I know. I have always had a low self esteem and it has gotten in the way for much of my life. I always expect better from myself and never feel like I have done enough. My lack of confidence is my biggest flaw. Ironically, I just criticized myself by saying that. The reason this is important is that I put myself through a lot of stress to try to be a good person and strong Christian. There have been many times in the past 2 1/2 months when I've felt guilty having feelings of sadness, pain, desperation, and hopelessness. I won't allow myself to be human.

 

The pressure I put on myself to be strong and positive has helped me through this time, but it has also made me avoid many of my feelings. I believe that I need to trust in God and believe He is what He says: one who heals, has compassion, and never abandons. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that only God's strength and loving hand will lead us through this nightmare. All of these beliefs have made me feel like it is not okay to be sad, to be mourning, and to feel all of these horrible emotions. However, I have been going about that all wrong. Pushing my emotions away is not going to be the best thing and it certainly isn't what God wants me to do. I used to worry that if I felt those emotions, it meant I didn't trust God, but ignoring my hurting heart is not what it means to trust in God either. He understands our pain and suffering and it is okay for me to lose it sometimes.

 

My anxiety has been building and sometimes I feel like I am going to suffocate from this weight on my chest. Being a planner means that in our situation, I feel completely helpless, because let's face it - I am. I cannot change what is going to happen. It is completely out of my hands. I have also had this looming sense that Kinsley is coming sooner rather than later. This feeling has just started in the past week and I do not know if it is maternal instinct or just pure fear. We are closer to the end than the beginning, at 32 weeks pregnant this Friday. I know that at this point in my pregnancy, it could be any day now and even with the time I have had to accept this, I am still not ready to say goodbye. My heart aches when I think about it. I know that there are always miracles and I believe in them with all my heart, but we just don't know if that is God's plan for our baby.

 

When I say I trust God, I truly mean I trust His decisions and know that someway, somehow, in a way I will NEVER understand - He will do what is right. It is a bigger plan than I can understand. I certainly don't think I will ever even accept it. But, I trust Him to carry us through and give us the courage, strength, and support we need to keep going. He will give us enough energy to keep dragging ourselves out of bed and going to work and living a normal life when it feels like we have been completely destroyed. He will give us the strength to build our marriage and not let it fall apart in a time where it is so easy to grow distant and even angry at each other. He will provide us with the means to survive when it feels like our hearts are dead.

 

I think I need more support right now than I have before. Please don't stop asking about us and checking in. Please know that we ache for the compassion of those who love us. I know it is hard to know what to say and how to say it, but it isn't about what you say - it's about letting us know you're thinking and praying for us. It may not seem that way because I know I have distanced myself from many of my friends and family lately. I have just kind of become a loner because of the less than positive feelings I have had lately. Even though it may seem like we want to be alone, we need love more than ever.

 

Thanks for reading this less than uplifting post. I can feel myself regret it before I even publish it. Again, self criticial is my middle name :)

 

 

 

A teeny tiny hat we bought for baby girl to wear in the hospital.