I'm going to share what I wrote in my journal today. If I tried to write something now, it wouldn't be real. Here it is:
Sweet Girl in Heaven,
I am missing you always, but holidays are the worst. Valentines Day was another special occasion that came and went without you being here. I bought you yellow daisies to plant in your garden. I haven't planted them yet because there are still cold nights ahead.
Your garden reminds me of our journey together. At first, it was just a thought. We wanted to plant a garden. We planned to do it one day.
Eventually, we built the garden. It was only the beginning. We started planting flowers and admiring what we had done. We would look at the blossoms, think of them as we relaxed, and plan for what else would be in the garden some day. It was healthy and bright.
Then, we experienced winter and the flowers lost their color. They fell away and wilted. The plants were still alive, but there was no color in sight. The joy was gone. The wonder and excitement faded away. They did not produce new flowers, but we loved them anyway. We protected them and looked at them often. We would do anything to see them grow big and healthy. We hoped for many seasons with them alive. What do you do when you know the flowers are dying? We knew the frost got to them. But, we couldn't rip them out. We loved them too much. Our hopes remained high. We nourished them and gave them all our energy and effort. Sometimes that is not enough. No matter how much we love them, eventually, the things we love still die.
The flowers wilted and laid in the dirt. They returned to the ground, as if they never existed. But, we know better. We always remember. Parts of the garden are still alive, even though parts have died. The roses remain and the forget-me-nots try to grow taller. The soil is still healthy. New flowers are planted.
Many have loved the garden and enjoyed it. They admired, asked about it, learned from it. The butterflies, the birds, the worms, and bees grew from it's life. So many remember and appreciate it's memory.
We are the gardeners. We made you. We nourished you. We never gave up, even when we knew your expected life span. We did not uproot you and rip you apart. We watched you bloom, then helplessly watched you fade away.
The whole garden is you and your life. The parts of the garden are the impacts you had, your memories, your pictures. Each flower is a part of you. Each one is so intricate. Every petal holds important details. Each flower is important, but some fade away: like the way you smelled, the way it felt when you kicked me, the exactness of your features. The hopes and expectations: many of those things were once so alive and vivid, but they gave way for new hopes, fears, anxieties, and memories. Even with your life passing us by, there are many parts of you that are still very much alive. You are alive with our Father in Heaven, alive in our hearts, memories, impacts, and dreams. You are still alive, just as some plants are gone forever, while others are with us for a lifetime. Your memories will always remain.
The animals in the garden are the people who knew you, learned from you, received spiritual nourishment as a result of your life. They shared in our joys and fears. They prayed and comforted us. These are our friends and family. While they have known you, they don't know the pain the gardener feels. I hope they never do. Others are people on the outside that observed us. To them, it was only one garden. They can never quite see it as the gardeners do. They can never know the pain of filling your heart with hopes and dreams, only to be left with a flowerless flower garden. There is no one to share in that. Rarely someone wants to look at it, think about it, or talk about it's life. They wonder how one garden can be so important. Some say just plant a new one. They just don't see...
So now, I am planting new flowers. There has been new discoveries, memories, and a deepened relationship with Christ. You live on and new flowers blossom all the time in my heart and soul. There are new blessing and joys still occuring each day. You have changed our lives and each day we grow. Each day I find a reason I love you. I can remember things that were too painful to think about before. You are planting flowers from Heaven. Even though there is a lot of pain, anguish, and confusion...those flowers remind me of the hope. They remind me you are alive.
Loving you, missing you.
Mom
