"I Will Carry You"

Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.

Making the decision to continue in our pregnancy was not an easy one. It was crystal clear and I knew immediately what we would do, but it still was not a choice that came easily. I have always been pro-life and knew firmly I personally would never abort, regardless of the circumstance. The moment at the doctor's office that the specialist started talking about the choice to terminate, my heart dropped knowing I was being faced with such a decision. We were talking about letting go of a child Josh and I want very much. I half heartedly told the specialist that we weren't planning to go that route, only to be told how difficult this would be for us to continue. Way to kick us while we are down.

We received similar reactions from some people. It must be hard to imagine what you would do in this situation. Maybe not. Maybe you think that you know exactly what you would do and there would be no question. You would terminate and never look back. Maybe you would make the choice we have. All I can say is, you really never know what you will feel until you are living in those moments. You suprise yourself. A few people encouraged us to terminate or seemed suprised that I would continue to carry such an imperfect fetus. My face gets red when I write that. My child is perfect. She may not be perfect by any medical standpoint or worldly view, but she is beautiful in our eyes and God's image. Fortunately, everyone that matters agrees and has supported our decision.

Knowing what I would do and making that decision was hard for me to swallow. I turned it over in my head so many times. My heart and soul went into the choice to give Kinsley life. My brain wasn't convinced. The logical side of me was mad that I wouldn't consider the alternative. Thinking about the physical and psychological stresses of carrying to term and leaving the hospital empty handed seemed so unfair. I am a planner. I plan everything in my life and am very organized and precise. Having this uncertain hand dealt to me eats at me. I can't plan towards what might happen. I don't know even on a day to day basis what can happen. Will she pass away in the womb and we will find out at an appointment? Will I need to be induced at that time or will my body naturally go into labor? Will she live through the whole pregnancy and be able to spend time with us? Not knowing if Kinsley will be strong enough to make it through labor and that I may never hold her alive tears me apart. I had overwhelming fears that if she is born alive, she could live a life of suffering. There are too many uncertainties that I can ask and worry about, but I can't live in that dark place. I knew I was taking the harder road, but it was the one I felt convicted to follow. It was the only one that brought me peace. I had to put it in God's hands and let Him decide.

I don't have any doubts in my heart as I type this. I know that keeping Kinsley is the best decision of my entire life. Being told your child is alive but won't be for long is shattering. The emotions that go along with this are so hard to comprehend and explain. I don't want to lose my daughter! Why would I want to let her go any sooner than I have to? Why live my entire life saying "what if?" I couldn't and I won't. Maybe she will even be one of the lucky few to make it past the first few days in the hospital. Maybe she will pull through and suprise everyone. Maybe she will heal enough, stay alive long enough and be strong and stable for corrective surgeries. Maybe there will be a miracle. If not, and if the doctor's are right, I still am sure my baby deserves life, whether on this Earth or in the womb. Who am I to say otherwise? She will go when it is her time and I will see her again one day. Until then, we are enjoying mommy, daddy, baby time.