There is a war waging in my mind. Recently I have had a significant struggle with feeling guilty. Our doctors have told us that genes played no factor in Kinsley’s diagnosis. There was nothing we could have done to prevent this. It is something that just happens sometimes, for no known reason. All of this information should make for a closed case. Unfortunately, I still sometimes feel like I have failed my child and I am somehow responsible for her illness. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that this is my fault even though I know I did everything you “should” do before becoming pregnant: eat right, exercise, take prenatal vitamins. I abstained from drinking, smoking, and other risky behaviors during my pregnancy.
Then there are the questions of, “Why us?” and “Is this even happening?” I have had my times where I have been upset with God and just feeling abandoned by Him. He knows how much this baby means to us. He knows all of my fears about not having children. Women much older have healthy babies. Women who don’t even want their children have healthy babies they give away or choose to abort. Some even do drugs or smoke throughout pregnancy and still have perfectly healthy children! Why can't my baby be so lucky? I’m not saying I would wish this upon anyone else, but I still feel angry about it on occasion. I guess it just goes to show that God gave us this baby for a reason and He knew that we could handle it. He knew we would choose to let her live out her life and love her with every piece of ourselves. He only gives us circumstances that we can handle. I know I can’t do it alone.
We have an amazing support system. I have to say that through this time, I have gotten a lot of comfort. God, first and foremost, has been with us every step of the way. There are times I know He was literally picking me up out of bed and washing away my pain with a sense of peace. We have also been blessed with such amazing family and friends. I have to say thank you. Even the smallest gestures, like checking in and asking how we are doing to the larger showings of support, like bringing us dinner and sending cards, have made such an impact on us. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and thinking of us. I cannot express how important you all are on this journey with us. Thank you again and again.
Today we had a prenatal appointment with our wonderful, supportive doctor. We are very happy that we have a doctor who agrees with our decisions and truly feels compassion for our family. Today we heard Kinsley’s heartbeat, strong and steady as usual. We had discussions about meeting with a neonatalogist to discuss expectations at time of birth and to help us write a birth plan addressing our wants during and following delivery. There are a lot of decisions to be made and it is rather overwhelming to think about without talking with an expert. The highlight of our appointment was that our doctor allowed us to see Kinsley on ultrasound! It was such a great moment to see her moving around and being a happy, “healthy” girl. She was wiggling around like usual, moving her arms all around the place. It is moments like that where I no longer feel any guilt. It is all washed away. I know that we have done everything we can to honor our daughter’s life and to cherish her every step of the way. God will take care of the rest.
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