23 Weeks Pregnant Tomorrow

Before we found out about Kinsley’s diagnosis, this pregnancy could not have been going any slower! Who wants to deal with all the sickness, exhaustion, and weight gain? I just wanted our baby and NOW! Josh and I were very anxious for the arrival and wished we could speed up the process. We would talk about all of the things we couldn’t wait to do: hold our child, play guitar and sing to him/her, make our baby giggle, teach walking and talking skills, watch as he/she grew into a kid, teenager, adult... Josh would talk about all of the things he would do with a son or daughter. When we found out we were having a girl we were beyond overjoyed, even though we had said all along we wanted a boy first. My whole pregnancy Josh became a proactive daddy, learning how to care for me during labor and our newborn child after birth. We had been doing lots of reading trying to prepare for the day we would be parents. We couldn’t wait for that time. I just kept saying, “I want my baby now! Why can’t we fast forward?” Days seemed to go so slowly and it seemed like I had been pregnant for much longer than 3, 4, 5, (now almost 6!) months. We acted like two impatient kids on a road trip. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? What about now?”

Now each day with Kinsley is a lot different. It is difficult to find the words to explain what I am about to. Time does not really measure the same way. Minutes seem to drag by and every hour feels like an eternity. It probably doesn’t help that I am on summer vacation from work, trying to deal with all of these things without a real routine in place. It’s as if time has stopped and our world is playing in slow motion around us.

Despite this, I feel like time with Kinsley is passing too quickly. I am hanging on every moment with her as it flies by. The world is at a crawling speed, but our time as a family is on fast forward. We planned for the next 60 years with her and now are faced with maybe only having today. Maybe God will grant a miracle. I know how easy that would be for Him to cure her as Jesus did the blind, the lepers, and even the dead. Maybe He will use Kinsley to reach millions of people in disbelief that the medically impossible can happen with the power of God. Healing is nice to think about every now and then but I know it may not be in the plan. I have to accept whatever happens. Miracles are something to hope and pray for, but never expect. If she does pass as the doctors are guaranteeing, I know He will have used our baby in big ways, even if I never see them. I know she will be in heaven waiting for us, but it isn’t the same as holding her and feeling the warmth of her skin. It isn’t the same as having her here with us.

This entire topic brings me to something I have been thinking about. I read a question from someone that asked if a prenatal diagnosis of fatal conditions like Trisomy 13 is harder than carrying without ever knowing, then losing a child you thought was healthy. I think it is a blessing to know this news ahead of time. If I had never learned Kinsley’s time is limited, I would have continued to be impatient in this special time. I never would have learned to enjoy the small stuff. She is our first baby and has a very special place in our lives already. Josh and I talk about what we think she is like. We are learning some things about her personality - like she enjoys certain types of music over others. Every movement of this pregnancy is such a gift now. Kinsley is especially active after I eat or right before bedtime. I cling on these moments and never want them to end. When I feel her kick, I become still and pray to feel it again. I pray it won’t be the last time. . She has held on this long. She is a little fighter and has defeated the odds already! I know she is stubborn like her mommy and strong like her daddy to still be with us today. God, please allow us more time with this little angel-even if it is just one more day. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

We took this picture on our first family vacation to San Diego last weekend.