Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.
Matthew 6:34 So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's
trouble is enough for today.
Last week revealed my first taste of saying goodbye to Kinsley. After a week of very little movement from our daughter, I started to become worried and started to focus on feeling any little kick or flutter. From Wednesday to Thursday, 24 hours had gone by without noticing a thing. My doctor recommended coming in to check for a heartbeat that day.
The drive to the appointment was heartwrenching. I knew in my gut that this could possibly be the end. No matter how much time you have, I know losing a child is really something that you cannot prepare for. I know that when the time comes, there will never have been enough moments with my baby. I continue to try to cherish now and prepare and plan for what I can. However, I know that those things won't really make it easier. We will never be ready to say goodbye.
The good news is that Kinsley's heart is still beating strong and steady. She is still hanging on! We are now in the third trimester and I am so proud of her for being such a fighter. We are praying that she will make it to the home stretch, so that our chances of meeting her at birth are the best they can be. We know she wants to meet us too and that's why she is still with us now. She has defied the odds already; our little miracle.
I think she was just saving her energy for the weekend. After the appointment to check on her last week, she partied all weekend! She was up all day and night kicking, rolling, and tumbling around. She gave us quite a scare, but it didn't stop her from having a great time! Silly baby girl.
I am so blessed for all of these moments with Kinsley. As I have said before, I don't know if I would have been as in tune to her if I did not know about her diagnosis prenatally. I would have still loved her and loved feeling her, but now I emphasize the importance to know her personality now. Without a miracle, I will never be able to get to know her as she grows up. I won't see her take her first steps or teach her the alphabet. I won't hear her cry in the night or have the chance to be completely sleep deprived for her. All we have is now. Life is something that we cannot predict - regardless of your circumstances. The end of our days could be tomorrow, so we have to learn to cherish every second and live for today. Kinsley has taught me that. She has taught me that what is here and now is all we need. And all we need is to learn to live 100% in those moments and trust that God will lead us through.
There is no use in grieving what we will not have with our daughter. These thoughts leave me devastated, but I try not to become obsessed with them. It is easy and even necessary to mourn for the life we planned. It hurts me at the deepest part of my core. However, we have been given the gift of right now with her. We have the joy of hearing her heartbeat, feeling her kick and roll, and talking, reading, writing, and singing to her. Every day I realize something new that I know about Kinsley. We laugh because we know so much about her personality already.
I think she is a lot like me. She is a fighter and when she is determined, does not give up. She is a strong little soul and does not care what the medical books say. She is going to meet her mommy and daddy no matter what it takes! Kinsley is stubborn like that, just like Dad. She also is a princess, maybe even a diva at times. She does things the way she wants and when she wants. She can be kicking me in the same spot for 10 minutes, but when someone tries to feel, she stops immediately. She proceeds to kick only when they leave. She doesn't feel the need to impress anyone. She especially hates having her beauty sleep interrupted! She kicked the doppler as hard as she could today at the doctor, as if to say "I'm trying to sleep here!" Kinsley is like daddy when it comes to pictures. She is shy! She does not like it when we try to look at her and always rolls away or covers up her face. Our daughter is a mini me and I know she would have daddy wrapped around her little fingers. He is so in love with her, even though it hurts knowing what will probably happen in our future.
Below is a picture from a photo shoot done by a wonderful young woman named Jennifer Wagner. She did these for us free of charge and we got the first peak today! Jennifer is a very loving person who I feel blessed that we were directed to. She is also a very talented photographer. We are looking forward to seeing the rest and hope they are all this gorgeous.
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