Gardening

The task of writing an update has been in my mind for months. However, sitting down and doing it is easier said than done. Putting feelings of grief into words that are...well, acceptable to publish, is harder than someone may think. This is a messy journey. Grief is ugly. It's easier to hide than to share. Regardless, I think it is important to share. It is important to say what's on the other side.

I'm going to share what I wrote in my journal today. If I tried to write something now, it wouldn't be real. Here it is:

Sweet Girl in Heaven,

I am missing you always, but holidays are the worst. Valentines Day was another special occasion that came and went without you being here. I bought you yellow daisies to plant in your garden. I haven't planted them yet because there are still cold nights ahead.

Your garden reminds me of our journey together. At first, it was just a thought. We wanted to plant a garden. We planned to do it one day.

Eventually, we built the garden. It was only the beginning. We started planting flowers and admiring what we had done. We would look at the blossoms, think of them as we relaxed, and plan for what else would be in the garden some day. It was healthy and bright.

Then, we experienced winter and the flowers lost their color. They fell away and wilted. The plants were still alive, but there was no color in sight. The joy was gone. The wonder and excitement faded away. They did not produce new flowers, but we loved them anyway. We protected them and looked at them often. We would do anything to see them grow big and healthy. We hoped for many seasons with them alive. What do you do when you know the flowers are dying? We knew the frost got to them. But, we couldn't rip them out. We loved them too much. Our hopes remained high. We nourished them and gave them all our energy and effort. Sometimes that is not enough. No matter how much we love them, eventually, the things we love still die.

The flowers wilted and laid in the dirt. They returned to the ground, as if they never existed. But, we know better. We always remember. Parts of the garden are still alive, even though parts have died. The roses remain and the forget-me-nots try to grow taller. The soil is still healthy. New flowers are planted.

Many have loved the garden and enjoyed it. They admired, asked about it, learned from it. The butterflies, the birds, the worms, and bees grew from it's life. So many remember and appreciate it's memory.

We are the gardeners. We made you. We nourished you. We never gave up, even when we knew your expected life span. We did not uproot you and rip you apart. We watched you bloom, then helplessly watched you fade away.

The whole garden is you and your life. The parts of the garden are the impacts you had, your memories, your pictures. Each flower is a part of you. Each one is so intricate. Every petal holds important details. Each flower is important, but some fade away: like the way you smelled, the way it felt when you kicked me, the exactness of your features. The hopes and expectations: many of those things were once so alive and vivid, but they gave way for new hopes, fears, anxieties, and memories. Even with your life passing us by, there are many parts of you that are still very much alive. You are alive with our Father in Heaven, alive in our hearts, memories, impacts, and dreams. You are still alive, just as some plants are gone forever, while others are with us for a lifetime. Your memories will always remain.

The animals in the garden are the people who knew you, learned from you, received spiritual nourishment as a result of your life. They shared in our joys and fears. They prayed and comforted us. These are our friends and family. While they have known you, they don't know the pain the gardener feels. I hope they never do. Others are people on the outside that observed us. To them, it was only one garden. They can never quite see it as the gardeners do. They can never know the pain of filling your heart with hopes and dreams, only to be left with a flowerless flower garden. There is no one to share in that. Rarely someone wants to look at it, think about it, or talk about it's life. They wonder how one garden can be so important. Some say just plant a new one. They just don't see...

So now, I am planting new flowers. There has been new discoveries, memories, and a deepened relationship with Christ. You live on and new flowers blossom all the time in my heart and soul. There are new blessing and joys still occuring each day. You have changed our lives and each day we grow. Each day I find a reason I love you. I can remember things that were too painful to think about before. You are planting flowers from Heaven. Even though there is a lot of pain, anguish, and confusion...those flowers remind me of the hope. They remind me you are alive.

Loving you, missing you.
Mom

Memorial Information - Updated 10/11/12

A memorial service held for Kinsley Davis

October 23, 2012 at 4:00pm

Located in the Student Room at Central Christian Church

 Gilbert, AZ off of Germann and Lindsay Rd

Guests wear pink, purple, or white. No black. :)

No children please.

**In lieu of flowers, we ask that guests bring a stuffed animal that will be donated in Kinsley's name to Ryan House.**

Thank you and God bless you.

Our Angel In Heaven

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and

saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 

 

 

Kinsley Marie Davis was born on October 3, 2012 at 4:06pm. At only 35 weeks, she weighed a healthy 6lbs and 11oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. She spent 39 minutes with her mommy and daddy before going to be with Jesus. Her short life will never be forgotten. We are forever changed by the time that we spent with our little princess. Rest in peace, beautiful daughter of ours.

35 weeks

"There's a raging sea right in front of me. Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to. I will follow You. I will follow You." -Mikeschair

I know the storm is just on the horizon. The winds have started whistling and the dark clouds creeping closer. There is so much at stake. I have found my shelter with the Lord, been blessed with loved ones ready to perform disaster relief, and now we wait. That's all there is left to do. I can only worry about today and the strength required to get through another 24 hours. Anticipating the wreckage that awaits us is too much for today's worries and fears. There is enough to think about for today alone.

Even with knowledge of the coming disaster, in recent weeks there was mostly a profound sense of peace in my heart. God provided me with the answers needed to get me by each and every day. Every day that passed there was just enough strength to push through one hour at a time. When signs of the hurricane started sweeping in, panic instantly took over. The serene calmness was gone.

One week ago I started having labor symptoms. They were so mild that my doctor and I both agreed it wasn't really anything to worry about yet. I tried to change positions, drink large glasses of water, walk around, take a bath...but nothing seemed to make the contractions go away. They weren't painful, just regular - every 3-5 minutes regular. I went to bed thinking it was probably a false alarm.

Startling pain woke me up 4 hours later. Contractions I had to breathe through, lower abdominal cramping, and a dull lower back ache. I thought, "This is it. She is coming." The contractions continued like that for a while and then they stopped being as painful. Other symptoms continued, but I was able to fall asleep again when the contractions lost their strength. I woke every 30 minutes or so to pain and hardly slept at all. The day continued like this. They weren't stopping and my whole body ached. These events ended up not being true labor. Many of those symptoms are still continuing and the growing pain in my body makes it hard to not think about everything. The way my body hurts is a vivid reminder of reality.

I feel we are back to square one, but now with a sense of frustration. For months, I had been waiting in fear for the moment I would go into labor. Thinking that I was in early labor and with my body certainly not telling me any differently, I was forced to face this fear. There came a peace. We felt as ready as we could. Now it is back to the waiting. The storm clouds went away and the sea looks calm again. Now what?

We have also been contemplating about new choices we have to make. We are trying to be in tune to what is best for Kinsley and ourselves. Kinsley is not currently head down. We pray she wiggles in the right direction, but if not, we are fearful about her delivery. A breech delivery (especially for a first time mom) is tricky and the baby can get stuck, possibly passing away in a less than comfortable death. We can try to have the doctors turn her, but this is not always succesful. It is also extremely painful and risky for mom and baby. Even if she were to get in the right position, a lot of the time they flip right back into their cozy position. We are faced with delivery options as well: whether to schedule a c-section or induction at 39 weeks or wait until labor starts. I have read trisomy babies do not always naturally induce labor. We are praying on all of these choices. Please pray that God will give us guidance and that we can make the right choices for our family.

 

I think this is the eye of the storm.

Ultrasound

Last week we saw our little angel for the first time since her diagnosis in June. We weren't sure if we would do more ultrasounds in our pregnancy, but eventually agreed if Kinsley would fight to 32 weeks then we would see her again to check her growth and see if there are any changes in her health. I am so glad we made this decision.

The ultrasound technician we had was really sweet and caring. She gave us the ultrasound experience we missed before. At our last appointments, the techs had been quiet and avoided saying much about our baby. This woman, however, treated our Kinsley like any healthy baby. She said how beautiful our girl is and showed us her whole body, even the 'imperfect' parts. She was great at explaining what we were looking at and really treating our baby like a baby instead of a medical disaster.

Kinsley is about 4 1/2 pounds, which the ultrasound tech said was about the 48 percentile. That means our little girl is growing rather well, considering all of her challenges. She also has a bunch of hair on her head that I cannot wait to touch. Kinsley let us see her face for the very first time. She was stubborn to start out with but then finally moved her arms away and let us see her beautiful, perfect face. I can't believe how cute she looks, with her big chubby cheeks.

Kinsley's problems still look about the same. Her heart, brain, and hernia have not been healed but we know healed or not, she is perfect the way she is. We just wish her healthy so we can keep her with us after birth for a long, long time. I am so excited to meet her, even though that means the beginning as well as the end.

I just wanted to share with everyone. Please be praying that Kins holds on until her due date so we have plenty of time with her and she has lots of time to grow. We are 33 weeks, going on 34, and are so blessed for the miracle that is still alive and well in my belly.

Finally figured out how you can "follow" blog.

UPDATE-If you are trying to do this on a cell, you have to scroll down and click the view full site link first! :)

I already posted today but I promise this is quick!
Many have mentioned that they wish they could get an update when I post on the blog. I finally figured it out! haha.

You can do either of the below options:
a. Click at the top of the page where it says to follow the blog or become a member
(I think you have to have a gmail, yahoo, or twitter account for that option)
OR
b. You can enter your email on the right. It's a text box located above where all the blog posts are listed and it says "follow by email."

Thanks! :)

Feeling blue...

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

 

 

The verse above has become my mantra. I repeat it to myself constantly in an attempt to find the strength to get through the day. I haven't written in quite some time, as many of you have pointed out and asked me about. I wish I could find a beautiful, eloquent way to write about why I haven't posted anything. However, I can't seem to artistically put together these words. This post is going to be a very raw, uncensored me, but I think it is important that I include that version of me. It is a very real part of this time.

 

I am one of the most self critical people I know. I have always had a low self esteem and it has gotten in the way for much of my life. I always expect better from myself and never feel like I have done enough. My lack of confidence is my biggest flaw. Ironically, I just criticized myself by saying that. The reason this is important is that I put myself through a lot of stress to try to be a good person and strong Christian. There have been many times in the past 2 1/2 months when I've felt guilty having feelings of sadness, pain, desperation, and hopelessness. I won't allow myself to be human.

 

The pressure I put on myself to be strong and positive has helped me through this time, but it has also made me avoid many of my feelings. I believe that I need to trust in God and believe He is what He says: one who heals, has compassion, and never abandons. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that only God's strength and loving hand will lead us through this nightmare. All of these beliefs have made me feel like it is not okay to be sad, to be mourning, and to feel all of these horrible emotions. However, I have been going about that all wrong. Pushing my emotions away is not going to be the best thing and it certainly isn't what God wants me to do. I used to worry that if I felt those emotions, it meant I didn't trust God, but ignoring my hurting heart is not what it means to trust in God either. He understands our pain and suffering and it is okay for me to lose it sometimes.

 

My anxiety has been building and sometimes I feel like I am going to suffocate from this weight on my chest. Being a planner means that in our situation, I feel completely helpless, because let's face it - I am. I cannot change what is going to happen. It is completely out of my hands. I have also had this looming sense that Kinsley is coming sooner rather than later. This feeling has just started in the past week and I do not know if it is maternal instinct or just pure fear. We are closer to the end than the beginning, at 32 weeks pregnant this Friday. I know that at this point in my pregnancy, it could be any day now and even with the time I have had to accept this, I am still not ready to say goodbye. My heart aches when I think about it. I know that there are always miracles and I believe in them with all my heart, but we just don't know if that is God's plan for our baby.

 

When I say I trust God, I truly mean I trust His decisions and know that someway, somehow, in a way I will NEVER understand - He will do what is right. It is a bigger plan than I can understand. I certainly don't think I will ever even accept it. But, I trust Him to carry us through and give us the courage, strength, and support we need to keep going. He will give us enough energy to keep dragging ourselves out of bed and going to work and living a normal life when it feels like we have been completely destroyed. He will give us the strength to build our marriage and not let it fall apart in a time where it is so easy to grow distant and even angry at each other. He will provide us with the means to survive when it feels like our hearts are dead.

 

I think I need more support right now than I have before. Please don't stop asking about us and checking in. Please know that we ache for the compassion of those who love us. I know it is hard to know what to say and how to say it, but it isn't about what you say - it's about letting us know you're thinking and praying for us. It may not seem that way because I know I have distanced myself from many of my friends and family lately. I have just kind of become a loner because of the less than positive feelings I have had lately. Even though it may seem like we want to be alone, we need love more than ever.

 

Thanks for reading this less than uplifting post. I can feel myself regret it before I even publish it. Again, self criticial is my middle name :)

 

 

 

A teeny tiny hat we bought for baby girl to wear in the hospital.